Click Here to see the final stats from Year One's Stanley Cup Playoff Run. Not all of this year's players were on that team, and I did not include goalie stats when I did this. However, the stats will be expanded this year, and for the record, Mums was named the league's top goalie.

*COMING SOON* Year Two Stats (as the games happen, this will be updated)

MEET THE TEAM

99. Aaron "Diego" Altose (C)

Diego is the highest paid player on the team, as well as being an assistant captain. I do not know how this happened, as it was out of my control. In his off time, Diego enjoys going to centers of advanced learning and solving math problems that professors leave on chalkboards in the hallway for students. Diego is half-Canadian, so that makes him half better at hockey than half of the players on the team.

88. Ben "Helmut" Altose (D)

Helmut Altose was drafted as a bench warmer, and caught fire in his rookie season, becoming one of the best goons in the National Hockey League. Unfortunately, this has set the bar high for the upcoming campaign. Helmut tends to deal with pressure by ingesting alcohol. He also deals with happiness, sadness, boredom and being awake by ingesting alcohol. He would never admit it, but Helmut likes sunrises and flowers in the spring. He shoots at them with his guns.

54. Scott "Blank" Blankenship (LW)

Blank graduated from Miami University with a degree in Being Rich with a minor in Emergency Medicine. He once helped Gohmann deal with a glass puncture wound by telling him to take the glass out of his foot. Blank used to smoke, and now looks down on smokers. His favorite movie is The Life Aquatic, and he voted for Barack Obama. He now regrets it. The voting... not the movie.

1. Marc "Mumbles" Cerana (G)

Mums graduated from Miami University with a Bachelors degree in Linguistics. He received extra credit for inventing his own language, known as Englishreallyfast. He is really good at The Sims, although sometimes he makes his friends be characters that have an outhouse and no shower. He has also been known to talk to teammate Wilkinson in the language of the Sims. Mums is a proud member of the now-defunct group known as The Dinner Crew. He can't eat as much Fuddruckers as Slay.

16. Bill "Kid Canada" Cole (LW)

Bill is the team's only full-blooded Canadian, which means that he talks funny (although not as funny as Mums). Bill graduated from the University of Windsor with a degree in Hockey and a minor in Avoiding Moose. He spends his offseason working in the radio business, where he tries to make everyone hate the Ottawa Senators. It was never proven, but it is widely known that in Year One, Bill attempted to throw Game 3 of the playoff series against his childhood team, the Toronto Maple Leafs.

29. Tim "Lunatic" Craft (C)

Tim Craft is frightening. He graduated from Miami University with a degree in Breaking and Entering. He accomplished this feat by chugging an entire fifth of Crown Royal and scaring the crap out of everyone. Tim Craft was added to the team as an afterthought and a joke. We tried to throw him off the team, but he climbed through a downstairs window in the stadium and now refuses to leave. Tim Craft is crazy.

28. Chris "Chuckles" Dorton (D)

Chris Dorton graduated from the University of North Carolina, and judging from the picture, went on to either get married or be a part of a wedding. Legend tells it that he came to Cleveland for New Year's during college and ended up coming back to the house where he was staying in a police car. It might have been someone else, I'm not sure. Chris Dorton is Poo Thomas' friend.

7. Matt "Tyson" Eisfelder (C)

Tyson got his nickname from his propensity to go shirtless, and the fact that his body is that of a heavyweight boxer. Tyson graduated from Miami University with a degree in Dipping and Busch Light. When he chugs a beer, he has to put in in a microwave for a few seconds because he has sensitive teeth. Tyson claims to reside in Chicago, although closer examination reveals that he lives somewhere near the border of Wisconsin and Minnesota. Tyson is a fan of the Chicago White Sox, and therefore a sad, sad man. Also a member of The Dinner Crew.

14. Ryan "Hillbilly" Gohmann (D)

Gohmann went to a total of 47 colleges, with no degree. His crowning achievement was being the goalie on a championship intramural hockey team at Miami University. He learned to skate after that, and became a defenseman. He is a little too "in touch" with his emotions, and often makes the people around him uncomfortable. He is called "Hillbilly" because he often goes barefoot and likes wearing oversized flannel shirts. He is a member of The Dinner Crew, and rarely showers.

40. Phil "Preacher" Haberkern (D)

Phil Haberkern graduated from the University of North Carolina with a degree in Religious Studies. He then went on to become a minister, and plays for the team during his off time. Phil once mixed amaretto, beer and orange juice into a cup, causing both Gohmann and Thomas to become exceedingly drunk. For that, we thank him.

18. Ryan "Trey" Lang (C)

Ryan Lang is one of the new additions to the team, as he was selected in the 139th round of the supplemental draft. Lang graduated from Ohio University after only one semester with a degree in Biology. He accomplished this by going to class late, in an impaired condition, breaking some glass, and immediately leaving. Lang was then the valedictorian of his class at the Ohio Center for Broadcasting, whose hockey team leaves something to be desired. Lang spends the offseason in Tampa, Florida, trying to regrow his hair.

37. Josh "Micky Dee" McDaniel (RW)

This site's webmaster did not have access to any actual photos of McDaniel, so he posted a photo of Josh McDaniels, former offensive coordinator for the New England Patriots, and now coach of the Denver Broncos. This is another one of Poo Thomas' friends who graduated from the University of North Carolina. To be honest, I am not even positive that his first name is Josh.

90. Wusskie "The Wall" Oscar (G)

Oscar is another brand new addition to the team this year. He lives on the sprawling Altose Estate in Burton, Ohio with Diego and Helmut. Oscar is unpredictable, and does not like it when people shake hands in his presence. This action often leads to biting. When not stopping pucks, Oscar enjoys chasing empty 20 ounce soda bottles around his floor and sleeping. Oscar is crazy, but not as crazy as Tim Craft.

13. Jason "The Hammer" Pfister (D)

Pfister is another one of Poo Thomas' buddies from the University of North Carolina. I am quite certain that this photo is not of him, but it is a photo of someone named "Jason Pfister." Pfister is known as "The Hammer" because he hits people really hard, sometimes putting them through the glass and making everyone very uncomfortable and afraid.

41. P.J. "Speedy" Puryear (RW)

While not taking pictures of himself on public transportation that make him look like an angst-ridden singer-songwriter, Puryear enjoys being one of Poo Thomas' North Carolina friends. His nickname is "Speedy" because that is what the announcer says when he has the puck.

31. Tony "ToneLoc" Scinicariello (LW)

Tony grew up in the hockey factory known as Shaker Heights, Ohio, where he spent a lot of time with Altose, Gohmann and Thomas. When he is not playing for the Cleveland Cronies, we are pretty sure that he involved in some sort of black ops for the Navy. If nothing else, he is probably like Gene Hackman in "Crimson Tide." Tony is famous for becoming vastly more athletic than his friends after only one year away at college.

34. Jason "Popeye" Slabaugh (D)

Slay graduated from Miami University with a degree in Loving Wendy, with a minor in Tearing Up The Bathroom. His hero is Walter Payton, the man they call Sweetness (WAKA WAKA). His journeyman NHL career has taken him to Jacksonville, Pensacola, Maine, Seattle and Miramar, California where he attended Top Gun. After losing to Jester, he decided to fall back on his hockey career. Like George Costanza, Slay often removes more clothing than necessary while using the restroom. Slay also has a funny friend named Foster who has sex with deaf girls. Slay is a member of The Dinner Crew.

19. Josh "Slats" Slatky (RW)

Slatky is another of Poo's North Carolina buddies, and I assume that this photo is of Josh's offspring, and not Josh. Slayky may also have been the guy who was brought home from New Year's in a police car, but this cannot be confirmed. Slatky made the unusual move this year from defense to right wing, and we are very proud of him for it.

77. Andrew "Poo" Thomas (RW)

Poo graduated from the University of North Carolina with a degree in Frisbee and a minor in Electronica. He enjoys sipping whiskey and The Adventures of Pete and Pete. He spends the offseason "editing books for uploading to the internet"... which I assume means "looking at free porn." In the offseason, Poo lives in Philadelphia, where he enjoys overturning police cars when the Phillies win the World Series. He also enjoys telling Gohmann that his music is lame.

12. "Nice Guy" Bob Wilkinson (LW)

NGB is a big fan of Phish (WAKA WAKA) and the University of Michigan, both of which put him at odds with Gohmann during their time together at Miami University. However, his generosity in sharing home rolled cigarettes at the Tiltin' Hilton changed Gohmann's view of him, and made listening to Phish easier to take. I am not positive, but I believe that NGB was also a member of The Dinner Crew. NGB now lives in Tennessee, where he randomly grows his hair and beard to differing lengths.